Simply Seleta

she's back

After the last 14 days of insanity my life, I have a new infomercial idea for TV:

[seleta's voice] Do you feel bloated? Do you need to lose those last 10 pounds to fit into your favorite holiday dress?  Well, I can help you make that happen with my new, improved weight loss program.  I lost 8 pounds on it!  It's simple and quick: just get the flu followed by pneumonia and instantly get your girlish yet slightly anorexic figure back.

[announcer's voice speaking quickly] Side effects may include: fever, loss of appetite, metal taste in mouth, chills, hallucinations, depression, coughing until gagging, near death experience, pale complexion, dehydration, sleep deprivation, body aches, head spins and black or purple circles around eyes.

To order your flu weight loss program, please call 1-800-almost-dead-but-crazy-skinny

GUARANTEED INSTANT RESULTS!!! 

[attention any serious commenters:  this was a joke.  I am not advocating dangerously thin figures or making fun of sick people.  I was laughing at my own personal experience.]

pick your battles...

During motherhood, some weeks are about simply surviving.  Like when your husband is out of town on business and you're left with four fab offspring.

You have to think outside of the box.

During my survival effort, I resorted to creating my own white trash version of a trampoline right smack in the middle of our living room.  It was a spare crib mattress I pulled out of an upstairs closet.  This gave the smaller offspring a chance to burn energy while I cooked dinner.  It's been very cold at the beach, you see.  And we've all been locked inside.  A lot.   And this was a much better alternative to Mommy carrying a flask of scotch around the house while raising her voice to young energized tots. 

Had to snap with my cell phone.  But you get the idea.

Did I mention I burned dinner that night?

But the plan worked.  After an hour and a half of jumping, they were tired just in time for bed.

 

And yes, that rag of a blanket on the right belongs to our four year old [she's on the left].  We've bought her replacement blankets of the same brand, but she insists on keeping this one.  How tragic that I'm letting you see it.  Kind of brings the white trash trampoline full circle. 

bring on the crazy...

 

I'm sitting at my kitchen table tonight cranking out some adorable home made Valentine's cards.  Well, not home made by me, but rather by this talented diva.  You remember Sea+Jae, right?  Well, Jae was kind enough to share her custom designs and now I want to share them with you!  Just click here to download these valentines for your sweetheart or offspring.  Jae also gives a unique Valentine gift idea over here.

This morning after dropping off the older two offspring at school, I came back and made Valentine cards with the younger two offspring since their party was today.  They loved it.  Thanks, Jae!

After finishing our project, we frantically packed up our things and headed to preschool.  And I'm driving along thinking to myself, "I've got it together today.  I'm actually wearing make-up, got my first two to school on time and the second two are only 15 minutes late."  For a mom of four it's called success when only 50% of the offspring are late.  And on top of it all, I had home made Valentine cards. 

Good, right? 

Here comes the sucker punch I always seem to get that knocks me right back down to reality.  I forgot that we were supposed to decorate our own special Valentine boxes at home and bring them in for the party at school.  I see this monster stack of pink and red decorated boxes with each child's name lovingly put on it.  Clearly a project done by every other superstar mom there but me.  I panicked and asked the teacher when the party started [thinking I can magically create two decorated boxes and bring them back on time].  She says, "in about 45 minutes." 

So I had to laugh and just let this one go. 

I took a picture to see if you could identify my kids' special "Valentine boxes" in the pile of home made boxes.

Yes, it would be the JCrew bags.  Pathetic.  And hilarious.  I hope my children don't hate me. 

But wait, it gets better. 

Did I mention that I'm currently detoxing off sugar?  After eating too much sugar over the last couple of weeks and starting to feel icky, I decided to detox.  I'm on day two.  This means no sugar in the coffee, fruit for snacks, dressing on the salads, cookies with the hot tea, or peanut m+m's.  None of that.  I do feel a little crazed.  I'm pretty sure the hallucinations have officially kicked in.  Straight jacket, anyone?  Let me just tell you that I have complete empathy for anyone who tries to eliminate a chemical from their body.  It's very difficult.  Group hug to all the rehabs out there tonight.

So my current Valentine fantasy is basically this.

And yes, I've been reading this book again.  I have to say, it's fabulous.  But scary to know learn some of what he reports in there.

In summary the book explains how our American diets are ruining our health.  Duh.  And how purging oneself off the things that feed yeast [candida] will help you feel better.  Even help eliminate many female issues such as PMS, infertility, low energy, headaches, etc.  But I'll tell you it's the devil to do for very long.  I'm shooting for seven days. 

So here I am handling these lovely little silver wrapped chocolate bars to attach to my other two offsprings' Valentine cards and HATING IT.  I want to devour them.  But it's time to cleanse the bod and I have to stay disciplined.  Check back with me tomorrow, or look on the 5 o'clock news for the mental case who's been found stalking random houses and sneaking out candy from their pantries.

Reminder:  Friday is a good day for you.

[cupcake + cookie cutter photo from here]

monday monday...

No, you're not seeing double. 

A couple of weeks ago my sweet little sister found out she's going to have a baby.  Upon hearing this exciting news, I did what any good big sister would do:  I secretly began praying she would have twins [evil laugh]. But alas, she just found out it is just going to be one this time.  I guess I was hoping that by having twins she would have half the number of offspring I have and therefore have a better understanding of why I am always:

1. Late nearly everywhere I go
2. Exhausted at least 40 percent of the time
3. A total Bedtime Nazi with the offspring at precisely 8pm
4. A giddy lunatic between the hours of 9:30am and 1:50pm Monday through Friday [school time]

Don't worry, I love every last one of those little suckers, and we have so much fun as a family.  But hey, anybody who's a mom knows it can be a job!  And I'm going on nine years of changing diapers, cutting meat, and wiping spills, noses and bottoms.

In the meantime, here are some twins which hopefully inspire.

This first shot is my very fav.

 

Good stuff.

Stephen Gambrel never disappoints.

 

I'm such a sucker for upholstered headboards.  And who wouldn't want those fabulous bookshelves positioned perfectly near their bedside?

All kidding aside, we are thrilled for my sister and her hubby.  And I can't wait for she and I to share our first cup of coffee together as "moms" when she's been operating on three hours of sleep each night for seven weeks straight.  She'll officially be in "the club" if she also happens to be wearing the same shirt from the day before which has been graciously spit-up on each shoulder.  

[photos: Steven Brooke for Coastal Living, Southern Accents, Stephen Gambrel, Domino]

send in the clowns...

[bodie and fou via decor8]

Reality check après Vegas:  I've got kids on the brain.  May have something to do with the fact that my home has basically been converted into a summertime free-for-all Hotel for patrons under the age of nine.  How many days until school starts?  Let's see....5 days, 10 hours, 45 minutes and 14 seconds.

But who's counting?

Sometimes I wonder if the offspring hold Secret Strategy meetings to see if I can handle various catastrophes.  And they have each been assigned a single "directive" to test my survival strength.  They are smart because they carefully alternate their missions.  I notice their assignments are something like this:

The two-year old's mission: [I'm convinced he's the Executive Director of this program] multiple episodes of failed potty training sessions yielding strange and scary messes; perpetual busyness during all waking hours including things such as polishing our walls with a toilet brush scrubber and painting my doors with my Mac make-up, just to name a few.
The three-year old's mission: mental warfare which include, but are not limited to, various forms of Chinese torture techniques.   
The six year old's mission:  ear-piercing levels of whining, wardrobe switching without warning, bickering and attention demands at inopportune times.
The nine year old's mission: perpetual failure to remember simple tasks such as take out the trash, brush his teeth and make his bed.  Also personal drip-marketing campaigns supporting his desire to have a "D.S.".

So in honor of all offspring across the world, here are a few fun kid things you might find snazzy...
 
Instant Gratification Design: Pillows by boodalee

Pool Play [I'd love to see an adult relay race on these things]:  Inflatable horse  by  Rody

Design Project: Amy Butler fabric

Cool Storage:  Toy Bin by Pier One [on sale]

   

High Style:  Fun art by Etui. At $20 a pop that's a no brainer.

And while you're stylin' it, you may as well have a sweet "mommy card" to whip out at the playground.  Or in my case, the mental ward.

 

 You can get these mod cards here.

CRACK POT or CROCK POT?

In my usual haste last night, I was trying to quickly read someone's blog and thought I saw "Crack Pot" when it was really "Crock Pot."  I laughed a little because it shows how delirious I am right now.  But isn't the Crock Pot the ultimate Mom Tool?  I think so.  It helps us put one more task for our day on auto-pilot while we still keep our frantic pace. 

But sometimes we really are running on Auto Pilot. 

That's me this week.  I'm doing my best to juggle Teacher Appreciation Week [for three out of four of my kids], Mother's Day Tea, Teacher Parent conferences, PTA meeting, Baseball make-up games, Boy Scouts and a field trip.  I admit that I'm having trouble keeping up.  Am I alone in this?

If only there were a support system.  Maybe I'll start a club.  Instead of the P.T.A., it'll be the A.M.M. [Admittedly Mortal Mothers] club.

Instead of P.T.A., there will be an A.M.M. meeting on Wednesday mornings [no, make that afternoons] to help support the mothers.

Qualifications to becoming an A.M.M. club member

***LIST UPDATED*** by my fellow A.M.M. charter members

1. Never wake up before sunrise to work on a daily to do list involving more than 20 objectives. 
2. Never show up to carpool in make-up and a fully put-together outfit.
3. Must have been late to at least one school event or deadline within the school year [science projects count].
4. Must enjoy one weekend night out with your husband without feeling guilty.
5. Must be able to walk away or over a large stack of dirty laundry without touching it.
6. Must be able to have a five-minute conversation without primarily discussing your child's eating, drinking, toilet training and playing habits.
7. Never bake more than a dozen cookies or cupcakes at a time.
8. Must not own an alphabetized list of room moms in the back pocket of your driver's seat, iphone or blackberry.
9. Must read, relax or watch a little TV at night instead of stuffing 25 hand-made treat bags the day before any school party.
10. Never wear your tennis outfit to your child's school in the middle of the winter when it's 30 degrees.  By My Notting Hill.
11. Never feel guilty about feeding your kids fatty Starbucks treats for breakfast because you need to   stop to get Venti Drip.  By Sarah's Fab Day.
12. Don't feel guilty about calling your friends that don't have kids [i.e.: me] - just for an adult            conversation. And you relish it. Every minute. And then dance a fertility dance for her after you      hang up.  By sister, Michelle.
13. Must be...RESOURCEFUL to survive.  When heading to a party and children are covered in               chocolate, consider turning the dresses inside out!  By Laura.
14. No guilt when feeding your children cereal for dinner while the hubby is away on business trip.  By Jennifer
15. Must not feel guilty to make dinner from a box.  By Jules.
16. Must relish fast food.  By Jules.
     

Ladies, thanks for helping me finish this.  All additions still welcome!

Who says blogging isn't a great release?